I’d like to introduce myself. I’m a guardian angel, the one on the candle that your mother lights from time to time to ask for my protection for your brother and you.
It has recently come to my attention that you haven’t been wearing your athletic cup when you’ve been playing lacrosse. Do you know how dangerous that is?! Do you realize how badly that can end for you?! After hearing all those stories your dad tells the team about “uni-ball” and guys who got a nickname like “Lefty”, surely, you know better.
I’ve been doing a lot of heavy lifting for you, and I’m pretty good at my job, but I’m very busy keeping kids around the world who don’t have quick or easy solutions to their problems safe.
You do. So can you please help me focus on the real threats, and take care of your own safety concerns when you can? Your parents and I will still look out for you, but I’ve got to help out children who are in war zones, babies born to drug addicts, and kids with ass cancer.
(Yes, obviously, I also know you’ve been playing Cards Against Humanity, but there’s only so much I can do.)
Your guardian angel